Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

A Blur

Little green and yellow and white pills giving me patience, solitude, and quietness. Quietness what most normal people take for granted. Blah blah Blah so many words of negativity constantly flowing in my mind. Can you see the words of disdain and hatred to one’s self. The colors can be so bright at times, so bright that they become blinding. Too many amazing sultry sounds that take over my emotions and make me feel blessed to be a part of such an amazing world. Blah Blah Blah negative thoughts wiggling their way in. Words of anger and irrationality coming forth to an unexpected level. To a regrettable devastation that breaks hearts, breaks friendships and ruins marriages. Can you remember the regret, probably not; only the words of those you hurt. Words that stab you to the depth of your soul as they recall your fuck ups. Without that pill you are uncontrollable but hey why should you be controlled? Life is a gift, it’s a treasure to worshiped and embraced. The feel of the wind on your hair on a warm spring day, the joy of a child’s laughter, the preciousness of love and the feeling that not even the sky is limit!

Sip sip what a good drink…

Ways to push the high even further, to not enjoy just that moment but to enjoy every moment to mend fences and become the understanding, loving person you were always expected to be. You think your amazing, your unstoppable. You break out the lists, the goals, the write all these creative, genius ideas on! Why can’t anyone see how smart and creative you truly are.

 

They don’t see the destruction behind my smiles, the thoughts of carelessness and reckless, the urgency to be someone new; wild and free. Deep down you don’t want those things but someone else controls your mind at those moments.  The Bipolar is telling you, your irresistible and you need to be free and loving and there’s nothing wrong. Despite your ethics and beliefs, despite your commitments to another you become someone new. Someone who is no longer restricted by the rules and feelings of guilt. You become free in every sense of the word. I’m out of Control.

 

I need approval… Do most women feel this way..I don’t dare ask.

 

What did you do wrong? He’s upset your husband, your best friend. Your still in such a euphoria, why is he getting upset?  I was disrespectful wasn’t I. I was wrong wasn’t I? Make an excuse to believe your lies. The many lies you tell yourself. Yes you can’t control it but it’s your fault. You’re the host.

 

Depression….Regret….Guilt. Sadness…

 

You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve good things…you need to end this cycle. The cycle of inevitability is always with you. The constant roller coaster of emotions haunt you and control your actions. How can you be normal when you’re not even sure what normal is.

 

He’s holding me… he’s giving me my pills and telling me sweet nothings in my ear. I know he’s mad. I know he’s disappointed in my behavior but he understands and loves me enough to hold me and make the negative thoughts disappear even if just for that moment. For that moment, I am calm and I know I am blessed. Even though this fog won’t let me see it. I know I am. I have him, my soulmate, my friend, my doctor and angel.  He makes sure that my nights don’t get worse and he is my logic when I have none. He cuts off the alcohol whet its too much. He takes over drugs when Im not willing to stop. He holds me until I am calm and safe. Bipolar disorder…ruined me but not forever because with his strength I know I can persevere.

I know medication, love and family will get me through. I don’t tell him how many times I have sat by bridges or lakes or interstates. You don’t tell him about how he and your kids would be better without you. Without your harsh words and crazy family history. They could find a normal women and find happiness instead of hopelessness. You also know deep down none of that’s true. You know your children love you and he would give anything to live his life with you. Your just not right…Just get up and go home. Think about it another day..smile and continue on until it becomes real…
one day it will…I hope..your family is worth it…This despite your mental condition is fact. Something to hold onto and be sure. Enjoy the mania…Don’t let it control you..You are who you are. Do all that you can see colors instead of black and white. Control your impulses that have lead you down the wrong paths. Hold on and remember the good…

The good….

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