I’m drunk and I drink and I drink and I’m drunk. Nothing stops the urge to not feel the reality of who I am. I work so hard to form an image of perfection and sometimes wonder if that image is my own demise. Have I lied so long to myself that I have utterly forgotten or neglected the truth. The racing thoughts of criticism belittling my every move. All positives eviscerated within a moments notice in order to make way for all that is wrong with me. The constant need to know that I’m ok. I am ok. I’m better then ok, I’m great. Why wouldn’t I be?! Life is suburb and the drunken nights, endless friends and random escapades ensure that all is well.
The stares of concern are nothing more then envy towards all that I’ve accomplished. Relishing the energy and festering in the latest obsession of whatever it could possibly be now. Whether it be writing , working, baking, gardening, whatever it is, it will be amazing. Ingenious by far, to say the least! How could I possibly keep all this to myself. I need to let it out as it burst inside me like bubble just waiting to be popped. Endless talent and knowledge just hidden away in a manic state raging to be shared and recognized.
All the while praying for normalcy.Hoping all the while, someone can contain the wild and destructive beast slithering within me. Everything in me wants to destroy all that is beautiful while embracing it at the same time. The mind of rapid cycling bipolar disorder takes over the true you and embeds itself within your mind. Holding you hostage to your thoughts and uncontrollable desires. Making all that is good seem wrong and all that is bad seem right. Fighting to let loose and knowing that once you do you will regret it at some point in the future. Holding on to the you that’s inside and praying the mania doesn’t take over….the battle continues.