In the depths of my mind I know as I awaken that today is another day that I may or maynot be ok. My mind is clouded with questions and racing thoughts that take hold of the gracefulness of the morning and press for answers. There is a reluctance in rising to conquer the day and then at that very moment I realize I’m not Ok. You create excuses and stories of exhaustion and too much to do. When in all honesty you’re just not ok. Today is a day that I don’t want to go to work. Today is a day that I don’t even want to waken. Knowing deep down that the Rapid-Cycling of your Bi-polar disorder will make sure you are motivated soon enough but for now I am mellow and disheveled.
Yesterday the curtains were hung, the dishes were washed, a 5 course meal was prepared from scratch and the even some reports for work were completed. Today there will be no coffee and the energy to even eat has dissipated. Yesterday I played and laughed with my children at their silly stories and crazy personalities but today I can’t even leave the room. I cannot withstand a hug or a kiss. Yesterday I was the most gracious and attentive wife and today I cannot even be bothered to text back or listen to the pressing concerns of the love of my life. Today is not my best day but I must know that it won’t be my worse day.
I take deep breaths and tell myself I will be ok. I lie and tell everyone I’m alright. I’m not though… Im overwhelmed over the simplest of things. I have moments that I am unsure of myself. Moments that compile themselves on my insecurities and suffocate me with uncertainty. These moments where I try to breathe in and hold in all the pain and confusion.These are the moments that define who I am. These moments that come and try to break me down and make me into the person I fight so hard to not be. I know that these are little victories. The smallest of victories but a victory nonetheless. I woke up. I brushed my hair. I went to work. Even though the smile may not be genuine and the day may not be the best; I know that today, its ok to NOT be ok…..