There’s this symptom that causes pain when your in love with Bipolar Disorder and to be honest its painful even if your not in love. Its considered hypersexuality a version of nymphomania that causes embarrassment to most. Do we dare discuss the urge that 80% of people with Bipolar disorder experience?
A soft and sensual feeling that envelops you and causes you to apply that mascara on a bit harder. You put on the sensuality lotion all over and soak in the vera wang till just your smell entices all that are around. You see, sex can be an addiction but its not about the end result that causes the bipolar mind to self indulge and the mania to rise. Its the extreme need to be desired. Its the game of cat and mouse thats creates the excitement within and the enticing need to be attracted is the high that keeps giving. The recklessness and impulse to act on every sexual whim is what causes immense amounts of regret when the mania subsides. Until then the world is your oyster and you are the pearl. Can you ever live without the need to be desired? The following of men and women behind you even though the love you have for another never subsides and its never personal. The high is ever so present and takes over every physical and mental aspect of who you are and the crave to be the person that your mind tells you to be is intoxicating.
An angel in a world of destruction your mind takes hold of reality and suddenly all you see is the prey at hand. Marriage be damned, the fun and flirtation provides a high that cannot be developed with any drug or alcohol provided. The art of sensuality is your expertise and those intoxicated by your every move and existence is the reason you breathe. You are the fiery beacon that entices all those searching for lust and love. You don’t see them as people, only pills that can cause a solution to seep the yearning within.
Living in lust and a countless need to be enticed is no life at all. The constant sexual escapades is a blind drug that has caused you your reputation, your morals and your relationship. The art of sensuality is envied by many and a suffered casuality always exists behind the scenes. In a land of predators the most vulnerable with mania seek a drug that is rarely relatable. When most seek help you stand alone in a world that makes no sense and are frowned upon by many. In a bipolar mind the flirtation and conversation is harmless at best, the reasoning within oneself is unexplainable and the depiction of who you are is faltered.
Can you resume life as normal within a marriage that doesn’t satisfy your addiction? Even though your marriage is the center piece to your salvation the addiction takes over all reasoning and pulls you into what you see as the garden of eden. Can your loved one ever forgive you? Can you ever get past what you have done? Certain moments you seek redemption and on other occasions you seek only your own satisfaction despite the cost. The secrets that harbor within you eat away at your very being and self esteem. The impulsive acts that mean nothing to you but destroy the trust within a bond you worked so hard to create. The emotional aspects of your spouses very being is all on your actions. In mania none of that matters, you are blinded by the need. Blinded by the drug that no can understands because we are blocked by the stigmatism that addiction only occurs with drugs and alcohol. The very definition of addiction is “the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”.
The simple need to resist all temptation, to act out on all impulses is harder then depicted. The alcohol and drug addiction only fuel your need to be in a hyper sexuality state and in turn cause pain and disfunction in what was a solid marriage. The impact of this symptom can cause self esteem issues and conflict within any relationship. In a world where infidelity is viewed as an ultimate betrayal, how can a bipolar person redeem themselves even as the struggle continues. The understanding is limited, the education is minimal and the judgment is harsh. Its difficult to know that if I was an alcoholic my loved ones would stand by me but if I was a nympho that cheated it would be betrayal and un-forgiveness. Bipolar disorder provides so much more then mania and depression, it pushes infidelity, unreality and psychotic hallucinations that may never be understood by the so called “normal” population.
Holding on to all that means anything is a battle every day that you exist. Its never truly understood by those that do not suffer from it. The need to be loved by all and the obsession for attraction despite the reason is an intoxicating drug that no one can possibly fathom. Holding on to the pictures of love and commitment is your only grasp on reality and all you can hold dear. The promises and love that you hold for another, create the strength to fight every impulse within you to be deceptive. I hold my vows with severity and push myself to be a better wife everyday but for those who have given in to the temptation, please know that its a symptom of your disorder and its understood by those who understand your struggle. You are not alone and even though your secrets hold you accountable daily, know that you will never truly be misunderstood or alone by those that suffer along with you. The struggle to hold love dear, impulse can effect all that you love but the most important thing to remember is that love conquers all and this too can be defeated in a world of hyper sexuality and bipolar-ness.