Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · children · Depression · family · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · parenting · sex · Uncategorized

Don’t Lose Yourself

Ramble Time:

Sometimes I think I have lost myself, lost who I am inside, who I should have become or could become. You smile when you want to cry, stay when you want to leave and most of all put on a persona that keeps up the constant versade. The theatrics that are needed when dealing with your so-called life. When everyone thinks your life is perfect, how can you even begin to tell them it’s actually far from it. It’s broken, its been stitched, its been taped and its been glued back together so many times that eventually everyone begins to see the cracks. Living in a home of mental illness not only affects the person that’s mentally ill but the people around them. Getting help is not an option for them, leaving Is not an option for you because you are strong. Right? I know I’m strong, I know I’m capable of handling anything but should you have to? I know that patience, prayer and love will always prevail in the long run but will you lose your identity in the process? Your sanity, will that remain at the end of it all?

I am a pro at applying a beautifully decorated face of joy and love. Don’t get me wrong, I truly am joyful but what it must be to get up and not know what face you should put on for the day. I imagine a day when me being me is enough, where fear of disagreement and disappoint are no longer a factor. A simpler life may exist but not in my near future. Some people in this world are content with in living in the shadows, directing those in the light with anger, frustration and disappointment. Where does the sunshine go when your constantly dragged back into the darkness. As women we take on many forms and jobs;we are mothers, lovers, fighters, nurses, therapist, organizers, multitaskers, mediators,  teachers, chef’s, shoppers, decorators, inventors and barriers. We protect those we love and we make the decisions many cannot. We endure suffering for the greater good and some would call it stupid but we do this because we are not selfish, we are in fact the opposite. We are strong and we are the only ones who will.

Who am I? Who are you? Are you all that you believe you can be or are you cautious? Cautious not to create disruption in an already delicate environment. Don’t worry for those of you who understand, you know that you are lovely just the way that your are. I’m sure the intentions of others are good but no one could ever understand you. People have a hard time seeing themselves through other people’s eyes and you can hold the mirror forever but being blind is inevitable for some. So find your happiness, separate yourself from the darkness and know that you are capable and perfect in every way. I’m perfect, I work hard and everything I do is filled and done with all the love I carry in me. Sadness is temporary, wipe your tears away and find strength in the moments that are meant to destroy your beauty. Never allow anyone to make you feel less than, you need to be enough for you and what ever you decide, you have only you to answer to. You are lovely the way that you are and I am lovely, beautiful, intelligent and strong. Don’t lose yourself no matter what happens in life, don’t allow life, strangers and even loved ones cause you to lose the very essence of who are and what you were meant to be….

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