Impulses are strong and the lack of control can override logic. Should we let go for just a moment, will that moment shape our eternity. I see it like this; you should live for the here and now as tomorrow is not a guarantee and though that is a well known cliche; it still holds weight. But when does living in the moment override all logic and the line placed before you in order to keep you safe, becomes a joke. When is living in the moment the reason that your life has faltered and the faces that once loved you, now look back in disdain.
In my life there is no grey spectrum it is all or nothing; black or white. There are no boundaries to refer to and no limits to stop my endless escapades.
Should we move?
Answer: Of Course!
Should we start a new business and leave our stable jobs?
Answer: Why not?!
Should we leave and drink until we are no longer in control of what’s happening?
Answer: Fuck it!
Once I have given in I know that I have created an unpredictable situation and I am simply delighted to not care. The sudden elevation in mood and the hyperactive thoughts overwhelm you and suddenly Bipolar is the one in control and you are sitting in the passenger seat praying for it to end. The results can be devastating but at that very moment you’re in pure ecstasy living at a whim. At any moment the circumstances can change and I am rapidly excited about the prospect. Giving in to your urges, your cravings and saying Fuck it is the most exhilarating feeling that only further justifies you when you clearly crave freedom.
The wind in your hair as you drive above the speed limit. The sounds of the music playing ever so loudly in your car. The darkness removing clarity and the open container of alcohol that feeds the flame. Not regretting the silly sudden dances, the exhilarating sexual kisses (what was her name again)? That moment provides life that a nine to five life cannot fulfil. The attention of all those around, the meaningless yet deep conversations, the eyes searching around; seeking a connection. The music rumbling and moving the body of those surrounding you. A spectacular atmosphere to only reconfirm your inhibitions.
The mind is a dangerous tool that can make you or break you. I have feared not only for my safety but for the integrity and beauty of my life. The awareness that I am slowly tipping the iceberg. The insistent warning from deep within that this cannot last forever. Holding on to the thinnest thread, reading the smallest of signals and praying for the courage to overcome the next impulse. To regard your finances, to limit your sexual urges and to hold on to a family that has taken a lifetime to create.
Are we our impulses? Or are we simply prisoners of our illness? Do we hold ourselves accountable as the world does? I hold my impulses as lessons and of course I have regrets but should I give in to all that pain I have caused for myself and others. I could never get better. Not until I have realized the destruction that mania inflicts. Not until I resist my imprisonment and take back control what is rightfully mine.