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Where did I go?

When did the push and pull of life become the center of your being. The overwhelming exhaustion of life’s many trials.  Where did I go?

Where is the vibrance! The optimistic girl that once resided in me?

When did life become so predictable and dead stares of silence fill a room?

Knowing all and realizing you still know nothing can be the ultimate paradox.

The simplest of things aren’t so simple when you really consider it.

The need to be seen for the first time. To be valued and not pitied. The resistance that is put forth in order to protect yourself. The loneliness you feel when in a room filled with those you love. We all want to be loved, we all want to be acknowledged. Its what makes us human. The looks that turned from passion and hope; to resentment and hopelessness? When your feelings are deemed irritional and so you reserve them and shell up. There is a sense of jealousy towards all those who remain carefree. There is a sense of disappointment when all you had wished for became a joke.

Distant stares and secret cries carry its toll. The arguments that resolve nothing. The words that aren’t heard but hurt.

As a mother, wife and friend I had hoped for so much more. Am I wrong? The love is blocked by the 9 to 5, the children’s every need, the families every quarrel and the bills that appear with every coming day. The bulbs need to be changed, dinner needs to be made, wash the dishes and pay the bills before they shut it off. Think and think and solve and solve. Hoping for 100% and settling for keeping the peace.

Get over it, except it so you don’t end up with nothing and no-one. Is the presence all worth it. Craving for a different ending, knowing that it will never change. The difference is ever-changing and undeniable. The broken hearts that carry weight. Resolved in what life has provided. I don’t know, forget about it, Keep the peace. Is this ok? Those that are lonely pray for love and those that aren’t pray for happiness.

Sinking in a hole that no one sees but you. Praying to simply give up and knowing this isn’t even an option that should ever be entertained. The misunderstanding that all know how you feel or can even relate is bitter sweet. Pulling me back or pushing me forward is simply a form of control and sometimes the need to not care is enticing. Where are the invisible restraints that bound me and hold me without even being touched.

When did it disappear? When and where was the moment that changed it all? When did life ultimately diminish the faith and love that was once dear. When is your decision ever the right one? I know that the answer will never truly be clear and only time will tell. Never takes too long to be pulled back into the same spectrum that you have become accustomed to. Broken vows and innocent lies carry through and weigh you down with time. The pain that never left, the deceit that has never been forgiven. I don’t know if I like what I have become. The voices that whisper in the back of your mind and confirm  the scary questions that lie hidden. Who am I without you? The love that you provide never allows me to even ask. The loneliness you create also holds me in the dark.

The fight has diminished. I don’t know me any longer. I know that I should. Holding impossible dreams that cannot be controlled is not fair to anyone. The letting go is the simplest solution and at times the hardest. Knowing that you will never be heard will always remain a fallacy that can never be identified. Why can’t we simply cherish who and what we have? Why can’t we accept who we are not?  I know perfection doesn’t exist but perfection was never demanded. I cant say that I don’t dwell on whats been done. The ripples that still remain hold a a sadness that had never diminished.

We have been here before and I have no want to say everything and nothing all at the same time. Let go of what has been done and continue with faith that all will resolve itself.

There is no right or wrong. There is only the understanding and realization that change is needed. Change that can make or break you and those that you love.

Choose wisely and hope for the best as life never holds a gaurentee and doesn’t that scare you? I know It scares me…

 

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