The sun has risen and the children are laughing in the distance. I can feel my husband rise and within moments I can smell the brewing of coffee, that means it’s time for my day to start.
I can’t move.
It’s seems to be the simplest thing; right? It isn’t though, it’s crippling. There is a fear to jump out into the world, a resistance from my bodies lack of energy and my mind’s refusal to acknowledge all that needs to be done.
I know that I will be a disappointment and the looks of dissatisfaction will only confirm my need to hide further within myself. If I could be a turtle, I would hide in my shell until all have disappeared. I can hear the clink of the dishes that need washing, the silent whispers of socks that haven’t been cleaned and feel the disapproval of the time that I have managed to squander. I have spent the past few days saying the same exact thing.
There is no real reason or explanation that I can muster. I simply hide further in the sheets, knowing that they provide a blanket of comfort. My bed allows for me to sleep and not feel, see or hear. The soft feel of my comforter holding me down and allowing me to stay. I know that I can’t or won’t manage a thing today. Sweet words and loving kisses will not change me. I have locked up and lost myself within the shadows of mind as depression consumes me.
What happened? I was so energized and optimistic just the other day. I was proactive and almost perfect. That woman seems far away from where I lay now. I know the world means well but I wish they understood. I wish they didn’t take it personal when I reject their calls. That they accepted my unwillingness to answer the door. I wish they all could see that it isn’t me. That I truly want to be all that they expect of me.
But “Maybe tomorrow”
I can’t though. I am drowning in myself and the only one that can save me is unfortunately me. I will though, as I have time and time again. I will eventually rise, with my knotted hair, my 3 day worn pajamas and a frazzled look on my face. I will force myself to move. With every step, as a million pounds of bricks weigh me down. I will still trudge through and try. I will try to do all that I need to.
Today though I’m perfectly delighted to hide and that is where I will remain for today. So I whisper softly to myself.