“The worst thing that can happen to you, is allowing yourself to die inside while you’re still alive.”
There was nothing extraordinary about today. The sun rose and set as any other day; the breeze whispered the silent snores of those I love around me. I could see the birds gently tweeting and chatting away as they swung to the breeze of another Sunday morning. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and placed one foot after the other on the ground. I knew the promises I had made to myself that very night. I didn’t take them lightly or say them prematurely. I let out a deep sigh, allowing myself to fully take in the battle that would be placed before me.
After years of fighting, comprises and endless breakups; It was finally over. I had awakened, as I had slept. Peaceful, hopeful and ready for the journey. There hadn’t been a storm that made me see what needed to be done. There was no physical altercations or police interference. It’s funny that way, I suppose. All this time I have been waiting for something that I could point too as proof, so that I wouldn’t feel so crazy inside. A divine intervention from the lord above and it never turned out to be that way at all.
It was the little things, the small specs of disappointment, the chips that he continued to nick at time after time, until there was nothing left. It was nights I spent alone waiting for his text or call, while watching my calls go straight to voicemail at 5 am. It was the fear I saw in my eyes when he raised his voice and the anxiety I felt whenever he appeared.
Of course it wasnt always bad, he loved me, that much I knew to be true. He helped when I asked, he adored me and uplifted me when he could. He loved our children and was dependable. Like I said though, It was the small things that piled one on top of another and became habitual. The talking down to me in front our children, the laughing at my expense, the temper tantrums and endless suspicious looks.
I rose and felt free for the first time in 18 years. Free to feel how I wanted to feel and not depend on someone else’s mood to dictate that. That morning came with promise and an unexpected energy that I hadn’t seen in years. In the midst of his sleep, I collected my things and my car keys to escape into the day. A day that was filled with laughter, shopping, movies and fun. I sent not one text, not one call and it suited me fine.
Something changed that cannot be explained. Maybe it’s like that song …when a women’s fed up”? Who’s to say but I felt different and I welcomed it with wide arms. When I returned later that day, I saw him and watched as he dismissed me as part of the living room furniture. Nothing but coldness in his eyes and none of which showed me the man I had once come to love. He had always chosen others before me, I was simply a comfortable shoe. I had come to understand that and once even accepted it as my life’s story. All that had failed though because existing to not fight was not a life that I could bear any longer.
I had once asked my mother when she knew it was over? When did she know for sure that she wasnt making a mistake. She told me it was the day you no longer cared. Of course she still hurt and missed him but for the first time that seemed like a vacation compared to staying. It’s the moment that fighting seemed pointless and though to the outside world we looked perfect; on the inside we were simply dripping in cover up.
He told me if I wanted to leave than go. When I asked where he was the night before he stated he was with the very people who had nothing nice to say about me, as I’m sure neither did he. Than looked at me and said “why, is there a problem with that?” How had I not seen this before? The monster I helped to create. Entitled, hurtful, disengaged and predictable. He had been this way for so long and I had fought to not see it. How did It come to be that I allowed someone to treat my heart so carelessly.
My mother was right. It didn’t break me, it simply assured me of what I already knew.
I deserve better.
So as this Sunday turns to-night and I lay my head down in the guest room to rest. I feel full of hope that one day I will rise with all of this miles and miles behind me. Until than I remind myself that I deserve better….