Adultery · Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Cheating · children · Cuttings · Death · Depression · Divorce · family · hypersexuality · Infidelity · life · Loss · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · Miscarriage · Obese · parenting · psychosis · Self harm · Seperation · sex · Uncategorized

Psychosis: The Aftermath

“It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality.”

You know they never tell you how hard life can actually be. They explain bits and pieces as you grow up but they never elaborate on the details of what you may or may not encounter. Everyone is told that they can be anything they want to be, you are pushed to do your best and you walk through life with this ringing in your ears that life is your oyster. Until that fateful night when you feel pain, witness injustice and embrace tragedy.  All that I could be, stopped for me. I was diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Type 1 Bipolar Disorder (the worst kind) and with that came limits. Limits to what I could do, who I could be and the loss of control that I so desperately seeked. I’ve seen despair and all the triumphs that life enfolds but I have also seen the most beautiful moments that this world has to offer. I am compelled to dive into my depression or rise instantaneously into mania but there are moments that remain a memory. Moments that exist before the mania fully takes hold.  In that moment, I sense the uplifting joy, I recognize the enfolding happiness and suck in the wonders that this world offers.

I know that I’m happy, I know that the smells and sounds are intensified and that life is embracing me back. The music is liberating, the breathe of fresh air is intoxicating and the laughter around me is contagious.  I am conditioned to ask myself, what is the cause of my happiness? I am programmed to sense the beginning symptoms of mania but at this very moment I don’t care. This is the only moment that I am grateful to be like the average person. This is the moment that I can see clearly and enjoy my surroundings despite the realization of whats in-store. Theres a sense of peace and genuine happiness that not even I knew was possible. A weight that has been lifted as the stress of life’s struggles have been forgotten. Suddenly nothing seems impossible.

What a relief.

I drive with the windows down and the AC on, music blasting with all genres thats manifest strength and joy. I take in deep breathes that have never been sweeter. I take a passing glance at myself in the rear view mirror and see the beautiful, smart and ambitious woman I have become. I allow myself to suffocate in this moment; as this moment is always brief. This moment will evolve into full fledge mania. I am only hours, minutes or seconds away from losing full control of my emotions and in essence my mind. Eventually everything will intensify and become an overload of sounds, feelings and thoughts. Soon I will blast the music at an ear bruising rate, I will inhale cigarette after cigarette with no resistance and down red bulls as if they were water as I feel every emotion with an intensity thats unexplainable. The rapid thoughts that list the to do’s for today, tomorrow and next month. The feelings of happiness, insecurity and uncertainty mix itself within and I am simply a bucket of confusion.

In this moment though I try to slow down, I try to embrace the feelings that reinforce my present joy. I do not prepare for the storm; I simply bask in the ambience of simple pleasantries. Even the loneliness can be replaced with endurance, the insecurities can be replaced with self esteem and the anger can be replaced with pure humility. In this moment, I try to save myself. I wish I could always feel this way. I dream for a life where this feeling is the norm. I grasp at the feeling and watch it slowly slip away. I have lost control…..

The darkness protects you in a sense so that you are completely unaware. Some where inside of you, there are previews.Seconds really, where you can see from the passenger side. I’m frightened and I have no control but thats not what scares me. Its the way I feel, its the voices I hear and the delusional thoughts that I have accepted as fact. A day of severe grandiose behavior, unconventional spending and unlimited drinking mixed with a week of no medication have taken its toll.  I cant remember and what I do remember stops me in my tracks. The feeling of being untouchable, the words I scream out of unwarranted hatred. Somehow I’m barricaded in my room, theres bread, theres laughter and there are voices that say I am not safe. Yeah Bread, no clue why. Maybe that was my meal until help arrived. I couldn’t tell ya.

I awaken the next morning exhausted and confused. Where is everyone? Bruises and cuts on my face. Tons of calls that I have no recollection of. The last thing I remember was sitting with my husband and having a drink. I wasn’t drunk. I was sure of it. The next morning I am faced with the damage that I’ve caused, damage that I don’t remember and seems unreal. As I drive straight to my psychiatrist for help, I cry. My face is swollen from the tears. The shame and guilt have over taken me. I’m afraid. Can you believe it. I’m afraid of myself.

Im catatonic, there are no words or expressions. There is only silence. I faintly hear words such as psychosis, nervous breakdown and delusions/hallucinations. Its my first episode and its common with my diagnosis. Im prescribed stronger meds, spoken to about the next steps, reassured, followed by her warm embrace. I opt out of psychiatric care, I have to work. I call my mother and she tells me all the things I said the night before. She tells me she understands. She tippy toes her words in fear of causing me more distress. I get it because I’m doing the same. I try not to think, I try not to stress and I let go. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t remember but some how I survived. In that darkness, you are no longer you. I’ve read about it and it was something that happened to other people. Until it happened to me.

They never told me that my grandmother had many psychotic breakdowns, they never warned me that my mother had extreme OCD and mania. They never truly explained the seriousness of my fathers alcohol and drug addiction. No one ever assumed that I would inherit it all. So I sit here, wanting to embrace life but afraid of myself and whats to come. Holding on to my sanity for dear life. I pray that I never lose it again because I have lost a piece of myself. A piece that I don’t think I can ever regain. I can never be certain of my actions. I will never be confident in my emotions. I will forever questions my thoughts in fear that I should break. There is no cure. So how many more pieces do I have to lose before the Natasha I have come to know and love is no longer me?

Cause in this world, anything can hurt you and it can push you and then desert you. I cant let this steal my history. I still look the same as I stare at my reflection. I look the same but I’m not. I just cant stop living, afraid of what I will see and who I will be.

I just need to remember me.

Adultery · Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Cheating · children · Cuttings · Depression · family · hypersexuality · Infidelity · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · Obese · parenting · Self harm · sex · Uncategorized · Weight

Maybe Tomorrow

The sun has risen and the children are laughing in the distance. I can feel my husband rise and within moments I can smell the brewing of coffee, that means it’s time for my day to start.

I can’t move.

It’s seems to be the simplest thing; right? It isn’t though, it’s crippling. There is a fear to jump out into the world, a resistance from my bodies lack of energy and my mind’s refusal to acknowledge all that needs to be done.

I know that I will be a disappointment and the looks of dissatisfaction will only confirm my need to hide further within myself. If I could be a turtle, I would hide in my shell until all have disappeared. I can hear the clink of the dishes that need washing, the silent whispers of socks that haven’t been cleaned and feel the disapproval of the time that I have managed to squander. I have spent the past few days saying the same exact thing.

“Maybe tomorrow”

There is no real reason or explanation that I can muster. I simply hide further in the sheets, knowing that they provide a blanket of comfort. My bed allows for me to sleep and not feel, see or hear. The soft feel of my comforter holding me down and allowing me to stay. I know that I can’t or won’t manage a thing today. Sweet words and loving kisses will not change me. I have locked up and lost myself within the shadows of mind as depression consumes me.

What happened? I was so energized and optimistic just the other day. I was proactive and almost perfect. That woman seems far away from where I lay now. I know the world means well but I wish they understood. I wish they didn’t take it personal when I reject their calls. That they accepted my unwillingness to answer the door. I wish they all could see that it isn’t me.  That I truly want to be all that they expect of me.

But “Maybe tomorrow”

I can’t though. I am drowning in myself and the only one that can save me is unfortunately me. I will though, as I have time and time again. I will eventually rise, with my knotted hair, my 3 day worn pajamas and a frazzled look on my face. I will force myself to move. With every step, as a million pounds of bricks weigh me down. I will still trudge through and try. I will try to do all that I need to.

Today though I’m perfectly delighted to hide and that is where I will remain for today. So I whisper softly to myself.

“Maybe tomorrow”.

Adultery · Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Cheating · children · Cuttings · Depression · family · hypersexuality · Infidelity · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · Obese · parenting · Self harm · sex · Uncategorized · Weight

Where did I go?

When did the push and pull of life become the center of your being. The overwhelming exhaustion of life’s many trials.  Where did I go?

Where is the vibrance! The optimistic girl that once resided in me?

When did life become so predictable and dead stares of silence fill a room?

Knowing all and realizing you still know nothing can be the ultimate paradox.

The simplest of things aren’t so simple when you really consider it.

The need to be seen for the first time. To be valued and not pitied. The resistance that is put forth in order to protect yourself. The loneliness you feel when in a room filled with those you love. We all want to be loved, we all want to be acknowledged. Its what makes us human. The looks that turned from passion and hope; to resentment and hopelessness? When your feelings are deemed irritional and so you reserve them and shell up. There is a sense of jealousy towards all those who remain carefree. There is a sense of disappointment when all you had wished for became a joke.

Distant stares and secret cries carry its toll. The arguments that resolve nothing. The words that aren’t heard but hurt.

As a mother, wife and friend I had hoped for so much more. Am I wrong? The love is blocked by the 9 to 5, the children’s every need, the families every quarrel and the bills that appear with every coming day. The bulbs need to be changed, dinner needs to be made, wash the dishes and pay the bills before they shut it off. Think and think and solve and solve. Hoping for 100% and settling for keeping the peace.

Get over it, except it so you don’t end up with nothing and no-one. Is the presence all worth it. Craving for a different ending, knowing that it will never change. The difference is ever-changing and undeniable. The broken hearts that carry weight. Resolved in what life has provided. I don’t know, forget about it, Keep the peace. Is this ok? Those that are lonely pray for love and those that aren’t pray for happiness.

Sinking in a hole that no one sees but you. Praying to simply give up and knowing this isn’t even an option that should ever be entertained. The misunderstanding that all know how you feel or can even relate is bitter sweet. Pulling me back or pushing me forward is simply a form of control and sometimes the need to not care is enticing. Where are the invisible restraints that bound me and hold me without even being touched.

When did it disappear? When and where was the moment that changed it all? When did life ultimately diminish the faith and love that was once dear. When is your decision ever the right one? I know that the answer will never truly be clear and only time will tell. Never takes too long to be pulled back into the same spectrum that you have become accustomed to. Broken vows and innocent lies carry through and weigh you down with time. The pain that never left, the deceit that has never been forgiven. I don’t know if I like what I have become. The voices that whisper in the back of your mind and confirm  the scary questions that lie hidden. Who am I without you? The love that you provide never allows me to even ask. The loneliness you create also holds me in the dark.

The fight has diminished. I don’t know me any longer. I know that I should. Holding impossible dreams that cannot be controlled is not fair to anyone. The letting go is the simplest solution and at times the hardest. Knowing that you will never be heard will always remain a fallacy that can never be identified. Why can’t we simply cherish who and what we have? Why can’t we accept who we are not?  I know perfection doesn’t exist but perfection was never demanded. I cant say that I don’t dwell on whats been done. The ripples that still remain hold a a sadness that had never diminished.

We have been here before and I have no want to say everything and nothing all at the same time. Let go of what has been done and continue with faith that all will resolve itself.

There is no right or wrong. There is only the understanding and realization that change is needed. Change that can make or break you and those that you love.

Choose wisely and hope for the best as life never holds a gaurentee and doesn’t that scare you? I know It scares me…