Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

Yesterday I Cried

Yesterday I cried…

I cried hysterically while my husband rested peacefully by my side

I cried for all the things I could no longer do

The things that once took so little effort and now have formed itself into weights

I cried for myself and all the things I once loved

I cried for the person I once was and the person I have become

I cried because I am alone

Yesterday, I cried particularly hard…

I cried because when I walked through the door 

I was left to my own devices

I was regrettably greeted with

The children not being fed

The dishes not being washed 

I was overwhelmed

Lost in loneliness and dissatisfaction 

I cried because I was finally understanding that there was no room for depression, at least not for me.

I cried because I have given so much and feel I am given so little in return 

I cry still because I know that I’m not thinking clearly and I can’t see that until it’s too late

Yesterday, I cried in mourning 

Mourning over the mind that I’ve lost

I cried because instead of being content I’ve become resentful

I cried because I wanted to feel less and have some sort of control again

As the tears ran down my  face and the blanket of despair weighs me down

I struggled to understand why I’ve been so isolated when there was so much love around me

I cried because all the feeling and emotions I have may or may not be valid

As the tears subside and I look around at all the love that fills my home and heart.

I turn and hold my husband close as he sleeps soundly and unaware

In that very moment, I feel peace

I cried because it was a well needed release

Yesterday I cried… I cried to let out all the pain and allow a smile to sneak in

Yesterday I cried, for me…

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

Defeating Bipolar Disorder: Once you believe you can

Sometimes I think to myself that I wish I wasn’t Bi-polar. I imagine what a normal life would be like. I imagine what days without highs and lows would be like. Its not that I don’t love the person that I am because sometimes I do. Though I assume that my mind allows me to believe its okay to be wild, fun and carefree. Is that who I truly am or is there another side to me that I have never discovered because I have spent so much of my time being the person that I have always been. God knows I’ve tried to be anything other than who I am. This at the end of the day is me despite the pills, despite the constant internal battles. This is who I am deep within. The darkness that over takes me and convinces me that I am with sorrow is stronger than any belief system that I have tried to acquire. The wildness that takes over my mind when it chooses to is stronger than any drug or alcohol addiction that I could ever have. Its a life style and it is a true identity that will always remain despite your need for normalcy. I have learned to accept the inevitable and use it to my advantage. Can you say that you have done the same? Can you look in the mirror and find the positives within yourself? You need to find it, find the good despite the bad. Through the turmoil a Bi-polar mind is not all that you are. You are a person that deserves recognition and a fierce survivor of your own mind.

When others look at you they can never understand, though they may find pity and hope for understanding. You are the only victor of your own struggles and you may not see much praise for your accomplishments. Know that every time you lift your head and withstand the day that you dread and fear, you are a victor. Everyday that you control your unsounded emotions and cravings that are not logical even to yourself, you remain a victor. Even when you give in to temptation know that there is always tomorrow and you will see the victory that remains within you to keep  persevering  towards  a life of normalcy. The life that normalcy can possibly provide despite your mindset and struggles. With Bi-Polar disorder there is no infinitive sentence and you always remain in control. You may see your life flash and take over you but somewhere within it all, with the right medication and support you have a chance at peace. I believe that no matter my condition I can find away to have peace and life beyond Bi-polar Disorder. Find your peace and hold on tight to those you love as they will always remain your salvation. We can conquer Bi-Polar Disorder once we simply believe we can.

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

To my Husband

There are so many things that I could say to you and so many excuses that I could run through. I suppose that the first thing I would say to you is that I’m grateful for you and your support. You didn’t sign up for the ups and downs of my mental illness. I see the frustration, followed by patience and understanding. If I could tell you anything its that I know sometimes I overreact about the smallest things and get angry, but please be patient with me. Please understand that I’m in a state of anxiety, depression and over dramatization.  Sometimes I know and see the cloud coming over me but if by some chance you see the cloud before me, hold me, love me and leave me be when needed.  I know you prefer the good days when I’m happy and excited about all that life has to offer but know that I prefer those days too and this isn’t a choice. I would never choose this over happiness with you and my children. I know you love me and sometimes I forget this because sometime its hard for me to love myself. Its hard to see what you see.

I am blind at times and whats clear to you, is clouded by depression, anxiety, mania and bipolarness. You see sometimes my thoughts tell me I’m a bother, sometimes they team up on me and make me feel anything but what I am to you. On those days when I’m hovered under the sheets and afraid to deal with life, love me harder then you ever have. Encourage me when I’m down, even when you feel that you have done this a million times before because what you don’t know is that you are saving my life. You are reminding me restlessly that I am important and loved. You are pulling me away from the cloud, one piece at a time and showing me sunlight that I had no idea was there.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing control over my mind and I’m far from reachable. Those are the days that I’m scared. Scared of my thoughts, scared of my life, scared that the whispers of insecurity are right. You are the one that brings me back to reality and reminds me that this darkness won’t linger forever. Bipolar disorder is evil and it lies to me on a daily basis. I never know what thoughts are my own or bipolar. Sometimes I feel that you and my children would be better off without me. Sometimes it makes perfect sense and I know what must be done. But then you come along and make me laugh. My boys come along and hold me tight and in that small insignificant moment to you all, it means the world to me. It allows me to hold on tight despite what I think and feel. It reminds me that I am loved and worth loving despite my minds constant battle.  Sometimes I feel that who I am is gone, that I am a mere shell of myself just scratching to reveal itself. The smiles, crazy hair and vodka drinking crazy me is the real me…pushed down by tons of pills and societies description of normal.

Its hard being me when I feel I fall short every time. I could bake cookies with my kids, be excited by trips and draw pictures with them like normal mothers. I know though that I’m not like other mothers. I fill myself with regret and guilt because I don’t fit the script.  I do care though. I care more then words can describe and even though I fail at showing my otter devotion because I am lost in my own storm, know this. I love you and my boys so very much. Thank you for everything you do that you never signed up for. Even though you said in sickness and in heath, you and I both know, we never really thought or imagined what those words would mean or how they would change our lives.

Sometimes the urge to harm myself is greater then I would like to admit. Those days I never tell you about. When you ask me how I’m doing please know that I’m not entirely honest. Sometimes I dream of an end where my mind isn’t rushing and the endless list of To Do’s and failures end. Know that those days I need the most love even though you have no clue. I love it when you open up about my illness, when you acknowledge its existence because it allows a certain comfort in opening up myself. I love the support and conversation that’s there because I know its safe to be honest. Speak and tell others of your experience, tell me of your struggles, make me understand so I’m not the only one in pain. In that moment we are one and our pain is relatable, we are both effected by this illness. At the end of the day though I am me, Crazy, wild, workaholic Tasha but I am yours. Please know I try and that trying is a struggle that I endure everyday to be a better mother and wife for you and my boys.

Thank you because a thank you is needed. You don’t know this but every morning I wake up and I wonder will the sky be blue or will it be cloudy? Will it be a good day or a bad? Can I handle this day? When I awaken and see you smiling and holding me tight despite my mania to do it all so early in the morning, I know that it will be a good day.

So for what it’s worth thank you…..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · children · Depression · family · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · parenting · sex · Uncategorized

Wake up..what time is it? My son needs to shower, brush your teeth! Why haven’t you brushed for longer than two minutes? Its so easy to remember we do this every morning. Make up get it on, clothing….. where are my clothes?  Not all the sensible clothes but the ones I want to wear but never have ready when I need it. A mess, my unorganized chaos for which only I stand by. I know I’m disorganized but I don’t care and don’t you dare tell me I am for which I will then deny it. Food, you all need to eat. Coffee needs to be made. So many things that need to be done, what to do first? Appointments need to be made, clothes need to be washed and I should really clean the dog. When am I going to paint the living room? He still hasn’t checked the oil. What if the car breaks down? What if the tire pops? Oh, right! Here and now…Brush teeth and make sure kids are ready.

Ah AJ looks ready, I suppose. Can concentrate  since I don’t even know if i’m ready. I can find anything. I know I had my debit card when I was shopping two days ago but where is it now. Did I leave my keys on the key rack? Chaos, uncertainty and frustration all the overwhelming feelings that take over my morning and I haven’t even left for the day.

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

Its Ok to not be Ok

In the depths of my mind I know as I awaken that today is another day that I may or maynot be ok. My mind is clouded with questions and racing thoughts that take hold of the gracefulness of the morning and press for answers. There is a reluctance in rising to conquer the day and then at that very moment I realize I’m not Ok. You create excuses and stories of exhaustion and too much to do. When in all honesty you’re just not ok. Today is a day that I don’t want to go to work. Today is a day that I don’t even want to waken. Knowing deep down that the Rapid-Cycling of your Bi-polar disorder will make sure you are motivated soon enough but for now I am mellow and disheveled.

Yesterday the curtains were hung, the dishes were washed, a 5 course meal was prepared from scratch and the even some reports for work were completed. Today there will be no coffee and the energy to even eat has dissipated. Yesterday I played and laughed with my children at their silly stories and crazy personalities but today I can’t even leave the room. I cannot withstand a hug or a kiss. Yesterday I was the most gracious and attentive wife and today I cannot even be bothered to text back or listen to the pressing concerns of the love of my life. Today is not my best day but I must know that it won’t be my worse day.

I take deep breaths and tell myself I will be ok. I lie and tell everyone I’m alright. I’m not though… Im overwhelmed over the simplest of things. I have moments that I am unsure of myself. Moments that compile themselves on my insecurities and suffocate me with uncertainty. These moments where I try to breathe in and hold in all the pain and confusion.These are the moments that define who I am. These moments that come and try to break me down and make me into the person I fight so hard to not be. I know that these are little victories. The smallest of victories but a victory nonetheless. I woke up. I brushed my hair. I went to work. Even though the smile may not be genuine and the day may not be the best; I know that today, its ok to NOT be ok…..

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The battle within

I’m drunk and I drink and I drink and I’m drunk. Nothing stops the urge to not feel the reality of who I am. I work so hard to form an image of perfection and sometimes wonder if that image is my own demise. Have I lied so long to myself that I have utterly forgotten or neglected the truth. The racing thoughts of criticism belittling my every move. All positives eviscerated within a moments notice in order to make way for all that is wrong with me. The constant need to know that I’m ok. I am ok. I’m better then ok, I’m great. Why wouldn’t I be?! Life is suburb and the drunken nights, endless friends and random escapades ensure that all is well.

The stares of concern are nothing more then envy towards all that I’ve accomplished. Relishing the energy and festering in the latest obsession of whatever it could possibly be now. Whether it be writing , working, baking, gardening, whatever it is, it will be amazing. Ingenious by far, to say the least! How could I possibly keep all this to myself. I need to let it out as it burst inside me like bubble just waiting to be popped. Endless talent and knowledge just hidden away in a manic state raging to be shared and recognized.

All the while praying for normalcy.Hoping all the while, someone can contain the wild and destructive beast slithering within me. Everything in me wants to destroy all that is beautiful while embracing it at the same time. The mind of rapid cycling bipolar disorder takes over the true you and embeds itself within your mind. Holding you hostage to your thoughts and uncontrollable desires. Making all that is good seem wrong and all that is bad seem right. Fighting to let loose and knowing that once you do you will regret it at some point in the future. Holding on to the you that’s inside and praying the mania doesn’t take over….the battle continues.

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A Beautiful Bitch

 

I am the comforting friend.

The voices in your head that scream of excellence and inadequacies

I am the constant need to fidget and twitch and move while all the while begging for stillness.

I am the drive that gets your day going, the red bull of your life.

I am the silence that says so much with just one moment

I am the overwhelming doubt and sadness that causes you to cry

I am all the protective layer of skin that pushes you away from all that question you.

I am the reason you forget to shower for a week while cleaning the house constantly since it ever seems to get clean no matter the amount of bleach

I am the source of your OCD the very next week to shower and manicure repeatedly while ignoring the stacking of dishes and piles of laundry.

I am the madness pulsing through your veins and the solace in your sole.

There is no reason or explanation for the roads that I take and the emotions I pull you through.

I am the hand that pulls in the next drink, that craves the next drug and brings you to otter destruction.

Nights of wonderment and bright lights, dancing and promiscuous flirtation

The constant need for a high, for an excitement, for an adventure!

I am the unexplainable behavior of feeding your kids ice cream for breakfast and the next day incorporating a list of nutritional meals.

I am the impulse purchase and the eating binge.

I am your starvation for a week because your body isn’t thin.

I am your best friend and your worst enemy.

You don’t want to see me anymore as you take your pills but then you still long for your long-lost friend…

You want to use me and that’s ok because it feels good to have an advantage over all who are normal

Then I steal your moments away….

That while you are racing from one moment to the next you’re not actually remembering any of it.

I am the overwhelming highs and the pitiful lows.

I am the random bouts of love and the instant gravitation to loneliness.

The cursed and questioned existence all the while enjoying every moment until you don’t.

I am beautiful and I am Bipolar and I am a Bitch…

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · children · Depression · family · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · parenting · sex · Uncategorized

This Moment

When’s the last time I felt the wind on my face or better yet the last time I sat down to actually absorbed it. To register a windy day and enjoy how it pushes and envelopes me in its cool embrace. The intoxicating fresh air and the peaceful sounds of the rippling water. Have I ever enjoyed it…I can’t remember? When have I felt so much but yet little enough to actually embrace the feeling. The oranges are slowly falling of the neighbor’s orange tree and the budding flowers slowly emerging as spring awakens. The smell of life and the feel of the sun arising for a new day. It’s something that has always been there begging to be seen but I couldn’t possible take the time to grasp. What is it that makes it so easy to push away… Push away from life, the day, my existence all the while grasping straws for some sort of meaning. The leaves are swirling, dancing with the wind and allowing themselves to be swept away to the next adventure. The sun is bright but hides and peaks into he clouds, in order provide light and darkness all at a moment’s notice. Dogs barking in the distance muffled by the sounds of laughter from just next door. Life is happening around me, when is the last time I embraced it? Saddened by the realization I have hidden inside my madness for so long. Grateful that for this moment, if only a moment its recognized,..Its appreciated. Cars passing by in the distance, bustling about on a Sunday morning. I wonder where they are going. Maybe a BBq, maybe church or maybe food shopping as Sundays are usually a good day to remember the things that need to be done and the family time you need to spend.  Plans for Sunday Dinner perhaps? Everyone around you living and embracing existence, have you?  How many times have I taken notice of the shimmering water as the sun hits it just right. The relaxation this whole moment brings. I don’t get many moments such as this. I will take it, use it to feed me and fuel me with positivity and beauty as this moment was meant for.  This moment was meant for nothing or no one and yet it means everything.

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Marriage is a rollercoaster

Being married is hard and I don’t mean the do we eat in or out tonight or who’s gonna pick up the boys from school hard. I mean am I right or wrong, am I listening enough, should I keep trudging along or walk away hard. I’ve always said that relationships should come with a manual because I can follow directions on paper perfectly but this playing it by ear thing is complicated. In today’s society it’s so easy to walk away; I suppose to me that would be the easiest option because then you wouldn’t have to deal with what you put in. So many women around me are divorcing, its the new trend. Can’t handle his flaws, cant stand his snores..Boom.. Divorce! I’ve been married 17 years and its been the roller coaster of my life. With no real guide on how to be a wife or figure to latch upon, I have pretty much gone through this ride blind.

There are days of utter sadness and days of incredible love and joy. There are days when I don’t want to ever see him again and then there are days where I cant wait to roll myself into his robe and hear his heart beat all night long. I’m not so naive to think that I’m perfect but I am sure of who I am. I am flawed, I am Bi-polar, I am crazy, I am loving, I am most of the time happy, I am anal and I am a control freak but I also love hard, work hard and protect what is mine. These are the traits that make me …well me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea but you are who you are with minor improvements here and there. How do you customize yourself to meet someones needs. What is marriage? Do you change who you are to please the other and eventually lose who you are? Do you stand your ground and hope they will accept you for you?

I truly see marriage as a compromise but somethings cannot be changed. I also see marriage as a gift. The warmth of love and the security it provides is indescribable. The joy of waking up to your best friend is essentially what life is all about. Creating little people together and raising them and teaching them all the lessons you have learned along the way. You are a team and if there is a tear in that bond you slowly watch it continue to split at the seams.

How do you repair that tear? I never learned to sew, its frustrating when you see something broken and you want so badly to repair it. Can love be repaired? Can all be forgiven? Is it possible to have a normal, healthy relationship when you have so many pills and appts and unstable emotions tearing at the seams. If you look, you probably can find a million reasons why the other person is wrong and they probably are but the only thing you can change is you. Where do you even begin…..

 

Bipolar · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · hypersexuality · life · mania · Manic · Manic Depressive · marriage · sex · Uncategorized

A Blur

Little green and yellow and white pills giving me patience, solitude, and quietness. Quietness what most normal people take for granted. Blah blah Blah so many words of negativity constantly flowing in my mind. Can you see the words of disdain and hatred to one’s self. The colors can be so bright at times, so bright that they become blinding. Too many amazing sultry sounds that take over my emotions and make me feel blessed to be a part of such an amazing world. Blah Blah Blah negative thoughts wiggling their way in. Words of anger and irrationality coming forth to an unexpected level. To a regrettable devastation that breaks hearts, breaks friendships and ruins marriages. Can you remember the regret, probably not; only the words of those you hurt. Words that stab you to the depth of your soul as they recall your fuck ups. Without that pill you are uncontrollable but hey why should you be controlled? Life is a gift, it’s a treasure to worshiped and embraced. The feel of the wind on your hair on a warm spring day, the joy of a child’s laughter, the preciousness of love and the feeling that not even the sky is limit!

Sip sip what a good drink…

Ways to push the high even further, to not enjoy just that moment but to enjoy every moment to mend fences and become the understanding, loving person you were always expected to be. You think your amazing, your unstoppable. You break out the lists, the goals, the write all these creative, genius ideas on! Why can’t anyone see how smart and creative you truly are.

 

They don’t see the destruction behind my smiles, the thoughts of carelessness and reckless, the urgency to be someone new; wild and free. Deep down you don’t want those things but someone else controls your mind at those moments.  The Bipolar is telling you, your irresistible and you need to be free and loving and there’s nothing wrong. Despite your ethics and beliefs, despite your commitments to another you become someone new. Someone who is no longer restricted by the rules and feelings of guilt. You become free in every sense of the word. I’m out of Control.

 

I need approval… Do most women feel this way..I don’t dare ask.

 

What did you do wrong? He’s upset your husband, your best friend. Your still in such a euphoria, why is he getting upset?  I was disrespectful wasn’t I. I was wrong wasn’t I? Make an excuse to believe your lies. The many lies you tell yourself. Yes you can’t control it but it’s your fault. You’re the host.

 

Depression….Regret….Guilt. Sadness…

 

You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve good things…you need to end this cycle. The cycle of inevitability is always with you. The constant roller coaster of emotions haunt you and control your actions. How can you be normal when you’re not even sure what normal is.

 

He’s holding me… he’s giving me my pills and telling me sweet nothings in my ear. I know he’s mad. I know he’s disappointed in my behavior but he understands and loves me enough to hold me and make the negative thoughts disappear even if just for that moment. For that moment, I am calm and I know I am blessed. Even though this fog won’t let me see it. I know I am. I have him, my soulmate, my friend, my doctor and angel.  He makes sure that my nights don’t get worse and he is my logic when I have none. He cuts off the alcohol whet its too much. He takes over drugs when Im not willing to stop. He holds me until I am calm and safe. Bipolar disorder…ruined me but not forever because with his strength I know I can persevere.

I know medication, love and family will get me through. I don’t tell him how many times I have sat by bridges or lakes or interstates. You don’t tell him about how he and your kids would be better without you. Without your harsh words and crazy family history. They could find a normal women and find happiness instead of hopelessness. You also know deep down none of that’s true. You know your children love you and he would give anything to live his life with you. Your just not right…Just get up and go home. Think about it another day..smile and continue on until it becomes real…
one day it will…I hope..your family is worth it…This despite your mental condition is fact. Something to hold onto and be sure. Enjoy the mania…Don’t let it control you..You are who you are. Do all that you can see colors instead of black and white. Control your impulses that have lead you down the wrong paths. Hold on and remember the good…

The good….